Realising

Well i went out to coffee with M and another 3 guys last night. I think I needed to see him just to be able to realize what I truely want. When I saw him I did realize that I would still date him and I would want to date him, but if I don't its not the end of the world. And probably if I told him how I felt maybe he would date me, but I don't want him to date me just cuz I like him, but cuz he truley wants to. But its all right if he doesn't. I have realized that maybe his purpose in my life is not to be my soul mate or lover, but to have opened my eyes to things I never thought about before. He has helped me to realize the finer things in life that aren't materialistic. That I should experience new things and that in life if you close your eyes to the things you don't want to see, you truely are shutting something out that could blossom into something beautiful. He has helped me to find a passion for music I didn't even know I had. I have learned that music isn't about whats popular, but rather the meaning behind the words. I have always loved poetry and wrote a few poems myself, but now I can look at these peoples work and truely appreciate it. I have started to read a book on Jim Morrisons life, and I have only read about 50 pages so far, but it is a truely fasinating book. His life is truely amazing. I am dumbfounded about how carefree a person can be. It is sa how he shuts people out of his life that try to get close to him. And well I am not as extreme, but I am similar. I also shut people out. I have also taken a keen interest in philosophy; all the theories of people are just so incrediably fascinating. I think that I have become more cultured. I have realized that I want to find a person whom I can reminise over the finer things in life with. Someone I can debate with and agree with. I want to be able to express myself with someone. When I find that person I know deep down that I won't let them go.
Another thing that I found interesting lately. Is that someone said to me that not everyone finds their soul mates at 15, but many people do and just don't realize it until later in life. And now I am wondering if I had ever found that person and if I pushed them away. Like with M, what if he is my soul mate, but maybe he's not. I am not a love struck puppy, I am truely not. I think I am over wanting him, but I know that door of my heart will always be open to him.
Also for New Years I have decided that my new years resolution will be to tell D that I just want to be friends, but that is easier said than done. I don't want to lose his friendship. Well maybe it is also time I found new friends, not that I don't love my old ones, but I want to meet new guys and experience new things. I think that will also be my new years resolution. To maybe meet guys that my friend K is friends with since I haven't met any resently.
Well this is the end of my post but I just want to say I hope that things will unfold as they should.