I Just don't know

Well, M told me that he likes this other girl, but she has a boyfriend. He used to date her about2 years ago, and I guess maybe his feelings have never disappeared. I know how he feels I still like about loves that I have had and lost. Certain moments always replay in my dreams and I wonder if maybe I had just realized how much I would miss him I would have done something different. I miss G. Well, M is i guess technically off limits. I can't help but feel I still like him, because he is just unlike anyother person I have ever met. He has literally changed me so much. I guess he is an amazing person to have as a friend. Truthfully I don't think he has any clue how much he means to me, and maybe it is better if it stays that way. Maybe we were just meant to be friends and my purpose of meeting him was so he could shape me into who I have become. I have become more open and accepting of people. I no longer dwell as much on peoples flaws but on their true genuine qualities. I know in life I need someone who is not all about materialistic things to give me a reality check. I truely wish that maybe one day me and M can become more than friends, but if not there is nothing I can do. For now I must just enjoy his friendship and burry my jealousy. I guess all girls sometimes just want to feel special. I have also realized I am ready for a more serious relationship, now I just have to find the right guy. I no longer want to be a social butterfly. I want to make a difference to someone to help them learn more about themselves. And with D, he is a great guy truely, but well there is just no sparks between us, I need a more defined personality to be my boyfriend, I don't want someone who is just there to say he is there. I want more out of my relationships. I am leaving for vacation tomorrow, and this is a perfect timing, because I really do need to escape reality for a few days to just clear my head, before I face my problems. I hope everyone out there is enjoying their holidays too.

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I don't know what is wrong with me sometimes. I think i want to make myself unhappy .. ugh.... Well i still haven't told D that it is over and I am already flirting with his best friend M. I was just talking with him and I think basically every other word that came out of our mouths was flirtation. Yes, nothing is wrong with harmless flirtation, but it is the aftermath that has its consequences. Because I don't know if I want more than harmful flirtation. I would be going out with him and his friends tonight (not D tho) except I am sick so I can't. I don't know if that is a good or bad thing. Well what I need to know is what M thinks is going on between us, if maybe he wants more too. Well i am confused and I don't know what to do, because I can't come straight out and ask him :S Yikes IM SO CONFUSED

Lost

Well my main issue that is running through my mind is about a guy, what a surprise. I have been kind of seeing this guy D, but well I just don't feel the spark. He is a great guy and I honestly believe so, but the main problem is I don't feel a deeper connection with him. And well I truely do want to stay friends with him, so I am not sure how to let him down gently. For a while I really did want to be with him, but I think it was more because I was lonely rather than wanting him. Well the other night I stayed up until 4 am talking to his best friend M for about 5 hours. We talked about everything, we debated, we listened and we learned. I truely had an amazing conversation with him. After this conversation I had well an epiphany. It made me realize I need to be with a guy who I can talk to for hours on end and I will not get bored of. I need a guy who will challenge me not just accept what I say. I also want a a guy who is smart and can share with me his knowledge. And well now I am not so sure if I'm not falling for D's best friend M. This would be dreadful, because I don't even want to imagine what would happen between D and M. All I know is that I really want to get to know M more, because he makes me want to be a different person. He has completely opened my eyes up to different music and oppinions that I never even considered myself. I don't know what to do, I truely need help =(. On the other hand, I also could be falling for M because I always fall for the guys who I can't have. I believe it's because (relating back to my last blog), that well if I know he is out of m reach I know that maybe nothing will blossom between us, Thus preventing me from having a real relationship. I have had my share of relationships, but I want a serious relationship, but I don't know if my heart is ready for what my mind is.

---Parting is such sweet sorrow ---- Shakespeare

Life

Well this is my first post. Sometimes there are just certain things in life you feel you can't exactly share with people, because well you are just afraid of who you may hurt. Well I also know that I can't always keep things bottled up inside. I do keep a diary, but well it's the modern world computers are everything =) Everybody has issues in their life, but well not everyone likes to admit to them, while others can't get enough from sharing their problems. Personally I am a very introverted person I know that sometimes we should keep our skeletons in our closets, but by bottling everything up inside eventually everyone will snap. See my problems aren't exactly about money or education, because well i can't complain, but my main problem is that I can't find true love or even anything close. Whenever a great guy comes into my life and is interested in me, well I find a way to push them out. I think I am scared of committment and well many people may have this issue too. But well I am just realizing I have it. My life has been changing drastically over the past week. I have come to realize a lot about myself, and it is almost scary to admit it. I know that I should just take chances on realationships and see where they end up, but well it is much easier said then done. In my life things are not just black and white, everything has consequences and everything has a reaction. I know that when I do start dating a guy I will always find something wrong with him and I will push him out of my life. And it is only when he is gone that I even realize what I have lost. I don't even know why I feel the need to make this post, but I guess it is a place to get things off my chest and to just defuse.