Dear Andre

dear andre,

I must say you are one of the most confusing people I have ever met. I just can't read what your thinking EVER! I am pretty sure you like me, because you have told me that before, and you say you want to be with me, but I feel as if it's just all talk. You want me because I am convienent. And i dunno i can't deal with that anymore. I don't like always wondering what is going on between us, and I especially hate the fact I always have to keep asking you. For fuck sake you should open your mouth once in a while and take some kind of a risk. If you keep treating me like this you are just going to push me away forever. Eventually I will snap and I will leave you. I don't deserve this shit. I do not need a fuck buddy. Honestly I can just go to any party and hook up with random guys if I just want some meaningless sex. But the thing is I don't, I actually wanted to give us a chance, but I seem as if I have made the wrong choice. You agree that we will tell people, but as I was talking to Will today he said you told him that we just both kinda passed out and nothing happened. Why do you want to keep being secret. I think its cuz if we tell people that means we are actually official and you don't wanna be official. And i don't wanna force you to be with me. So I am going to have to ask you once again what you want. And if you want to keep being secret, then fine goodbye I am out of here. I already have another date tomorrow anyways, and i've kissed two guys since we've started fooling around. Cuz you know what if its secret it seems like it isn't real to me. So, just think about what you can gain or lose here. cuz very soon you will lose me completely. no friend no girlfriend no nothing. cuz i just won't be able to stand you. cuz we arent even breaking up from a bad relationship, we are breaking up cuz you cant just tell me how you feel. so you must not care enough.
goodbye,
tara

WOWA

I hung out with M and M this weekend. And I know that Ma really likes me and wants to date me, but I have come to see Mi in a new light. I think I really really like him. I know he has a girlfriend, and I am happy for him really. But I have come to realize that I want to be with him. I want to date him. I want to kiss him. I want to hold him. I want him to be mine. I have never been so sure about something in my life.

Realising

Well i went out to coffee with M and another 3 guys last night. I think I needed to see him just to be able to realize what I truely want. When I saw him I did realize that I would still date him and I would want to date him, but if I don't its not the end of the world. And probably if I told him how I felt maybe he would date me, but I don't want him to date me just cuz I like him, but cuz he truley wants to. But its all right if he doesn't. I have realized that maybe his purpose in my life is not to be my soul mate or lover, but to have opened my eyes to things I never thought about before. He has helped me to realize the finer things in life that aren't materialistic. That I should experience new things and that in life if you close your eyes to the things you don't want to see, you truely are shutting something out that could blossom into something beautiful. He has helped me to find a passion for music I didn't even know I had. I have learned that music isn't about whats popular, but rather the meaning behind the words. I have always loved poetry and wrote a few poems myself, but now I can look at these peoples work and truely appreciate it. I have started to read a book on Jim Morrisons life, and I have only read about 50 pages so far, but it is a truely fasinating book. His life is truely amazing. I am dumbfounded about how carefree a person can be. It is sa how he shuts people out of his life that try to get close to him. And well I am not as extreme, but I am similar. I also shut people out. I have also taken a keen interest in philosophy; all the theories of people are just so incrediably fascinating. I think that I have become more cultured. I have realized that I want to find a person whom I can reminise over the finer things in life with. Someone I can debate with and agree with. I want to be able to express myself with someone. When I find that person I know deep down that I won't let them go.
Another thing that I found interesting lately. Is that someone said to me that not everyone finds their soul mates at 15, but many people do and just don't realize it until later in life. And now I am wondering if I had ever found that person and if I pushed them away. Like with M, what if he is my soul mate, but maybe he's not. I am not a love struck puppy, I am truely not. I think I am over wanting him, but I know that door of my heart will always be open to him.
Also for New Years I have decided that my new years resolution will be to tell D that I just want to be friends, but that is easier said than done. I don't want to lose his friendship. Well maybe it is also time I found new friends, not that I don't love my old ones, but I want to meet new guys and experience new things. I think that will also be my new years resolution. To maybe meet guys that my friend K is friends with since I haven't met any resently.
Well this is the end of my post but I just want to say I hope that things will unfold as they should.

I Just don't know

Well, M told me that he likes this other girl, but she has a boyfriend. He used to date her about2 years ago, and I guess maybe his feelings have never disappeared. I know how he feels I still like about loves that I have had and lost. Certain moments always replay in my dreams and I wonder if maybe I had just realized how much I would miss him I would have done something different. I miss G. Well, M is i guess technically off limits. I can't help but feel I still like him, because he is just unlike anyother person I have ever met. He has literally changed me so much. I guess he is an amazing person to have as a friend. Truthfully I don't think he has any clue how much he means to me, and maybe it is better if it stays that way. Maybe we were just meant to be friends and my purpose of meeting him was so he could shape me into who I have become. I have become more open and accepting of people. I no longer dwell as much on peoples flaws but on their true genuine qualities. I know in life I need someone who is not all about materialistic things to give me a reality check. I truely wish that maybe one day me and M can become more than friends, but if not there is nothing I can do. For now I must just enjoy his friendship and burry my jealousy. I guess all girls sometimes just want to feel special. I have also realized I am ready for a more serious relationship, now I just have to find the right guy. I no longer want to be a social butterfly. I want to make a difference to someone to help them learn more about themselves. And with D, he is a great guy truely, but well there is just no sparks between us, I need a more defined personality to be my boyfriend, I don't want someone who is just there to say he is there. I want more out of my relationships. I am leaving for vacation tomorrow, and this is a perfect timing, because I really do need to escape reality for a few days to just clear my head, before I face my problems. I hope everyone out there is enjoying their holidays too.

UJHASGFILUSDIFLSDUH

I don't know what is wrong with me sometimes. I think i want to make myself unhappy .. ugh.... Well i still haven't told D that it is over and I am already flirting with his best friend M. I was just talking with him and I think basically every other word that came out of our mouths was flirtation. Yes, nothing is wrong with harmless flirtation, but it is the aftermath that has its consequences. Because I don't know if I want more than harmful flirtation. I would be going out with him and his friends tonight (not D tho) except I am sick so I can't. I don't know if that is a good or bad thing. Well what I need to know is what M thinks is going on between us, if maybe he wants more too. Well i am confused and I don't know what to do, because I can't come straight out and ask him :S Yikes IM SO CONFUSED

Lost

Well my main issue that is running through my mind is about a guy, what a surprise. I have been kind of seeing this guy D, but well I just don't feel the spark. He is a great guy and I honestly believe so, but the main problem is I don't feel a deeper connection with him. And well I truely do want to stay friends with him, so I am not sure how to let him down gently. For a while I really did want to be with him, but I think it was more because I was lonely rather than wanting him. Well the other night I stayed up until 4 am talking to his best friend M for about 5 hours. We talked about everything, we debated, we listened and we learned. I truely had an amazing conversation with him. After this conversation I had well an epiphany. It made me realize I need to be with a guy who I can talk to for hours on end and I will not get bored of. I need a guy who will challenge me not just accept what I say. I also want a a guy who is smart and can share with me his knowledge. And well now I am not so sure if I'm not falling for D's best friend M. This would be dreadful, because I don't even want to imagine what would happen between D and M. All I know is that I really want to get to know M more, because he makes me want to be a different person. He has completely opened my eyes up to different music and oppinions that I never even considered myself. I don't know what to do, I truely need help =(. On the other hand, I also could be falling for M because I always fall for the guys who I can't have. I believe it's because (relating back to my last blog), that well if I know he is out of m reach I know that maybe nothing will blossom between us, Thus preventing me from having a real relationship. I have had my share of relationships, but I want a serious relationship, but I don't know if my heart is ready for what my mind is.

---Parting is such sweet sorrow ---- Shakespeare

Life

Well this is my first post. Sometimes there are just certain things in life you feel you can't exactly share with people, because well you are just afraid of who you may hurt. Well I also know that I can't always keep things bottled up inside. I do keep a diary, but well it's the modern world computers are everything =) Everybody has issues in their life, but well not everyone likes to admit to them, while others can't get enough from sharing their problems. Personally I am a very introverted person I know that sometimes we should keep our skeletons in our closets, but by bottling everything up inside eventually everyone will snap. See my problems aren't exactly about money or education, because well i can't complain, but my main problem is that I can't find true love or even anything close. Whenever a great guy comes into my life and is interested in me, well I find a way to push them out. I think I am scared of committment and well many people may have this issue too. But well I am just realizing I have it. My life has been changing drastically over the past week. I have come to realize a lot about myself, and it is almost scary to admit it. I know that I should just take chances on realationships and see where they end up, but well it is much easier said then done. In my life things are not just black and white, everything has consequences and everything has a reaction. I know that when I do start dating a guy I will always find something wrong with him and I will push him out of my life. And it is only when he is gone that I even realize what I have lost. I don't even know why I feel the need to make this post, but I guess it is a place to get things off my chest and to just defuse.